Maybe don't hate me (part 2 - missed parties)

Sooo... a while ago I made a post out of curiousity, inquiring whether anyone liked my music, becsuse I did not think so, and about some other issues (you can read it here).

I had some very positive replies and lots of support in response (which you can read here).

I want to thank everyone for that.

Times have been weird for me, because all of that is hard to sink in, and it takes time for it to sink in.

For example, there is one thing:

In the last 19 years, I had around 300-400 booking offers. By small parties, medium sized parties, even big parties! Parties in Germany, parties in Europe, parties North America (they would've even bought me a plane ticket to New York!), and other places in the world.

I declined all of these.

Partly because of my mental health problems, but partly (or mostly) because I could not imagine that anyone *really* would be interested in coming to a party or hearing my music.

I thought there must be surely some misunderstanding going on there. Maybe they had a lineup completed, then one of the DJs dropped out, and they were looking for a replacement, and a quick google search led them to me and they thought: "who is that guy?" and then "ah well, we have no choice, the line-up needs to be complete, let's just book him". Or they wanted to do a Doomcore party, and not many people do Doomcore, so google led them to me again, and they thought "ah, damn, well, let's just book him".

Or another possibility, there was a time when I posted a lot on social media, and maybe someone saw this, and didn't realize that I made these posts myself, and thought "hey, people talk a lot about him on social media, let's book him".

In all three cases without knowing me or my music.

I had other thoughts how such "confusion" , that led to people trying to book me, happened.

But anyway, I assumed that once I was there, and got on stage, after 10-15 minutes they would realize they made a mistake, grind their teeth, and be happy when I'm gone.

While they crowd would disappear once I started playing. 

And similar things.

I never assumed that people would *really* want to book me, or that anyone at any party would be interested in my music, or even enjoy it! No use to take the ticket to New York then.

Okay, once again, I am pondering too much on my own music situation, and on my own music.

But to think that I might have missed 300 parties, some of which might have been really, really good, just because I was misinterpreting what was going on - would be a major bummer.