Hate Me

I always assumed that everyone hates me. Well, not for personal reasons, not "specifically" me, but because humans generally hate humans (just look at the news - they constantly fight and kill each other), and because humans especially hate people with "artistic inspirations" (as they usually got locked up, burned at the stake, etc. throughout human history).

And, yes, also for personal reasons, and specifically me, because even as a child I seemed to aggravate a lot of people, and it only went worse as I got older.

Now, this generates a kind of paradox situation, because, I'm a musician, and now and then it appears as if some people actually *do* like my music.

I always have a good explanation for that, for example: "people seemed to like my speedcore music back in the day, *but* the real reason was: at that time there were lots and lots of people who were hungry for speedcore, but only very few producers who actually did speedcore; so people had to listen to what was available, and my tracks were available, so they listened to them. but they didn't like *my* music, they just wanted to listen to something with a fast beat."

Or "people seem to like my doomcore stuff. But the reason for this is that there are few producers who still do doomcore with oldschool-type percussion, beats, etc. So, among other things, they listen to my stuff, but only because there is few other stuff available".

But now, as we live in strange times, with strange thoughts all around, I began to ponder about a lot of things, especially in the last years.

And one of those thoughts was: "what if someone genuinely liked one of those tracks I did?"

Now you might say: "dude, stop pondering about these things. you'll get lost in your thoughts".

Yeah, maybe you're right. But, the thing is, this would have quite drastic implications on my music and my life.

For example: as I mentioned somewhere already, I don't perform or DJ at parties because of some (mental) health issues. But another reason why I don't appear at parties is: I assume no one would be interested to hear me play anyway, or I would get quickly booed or chased "off stage" or something like that.

Now, if it turns out this is "not true", and that I sat alone at home for all these years and missed many good parties, just because of a "false assumption", then I'd probably eat up my shirt in frustration.

Also, one of the main engines for me to produce and upload music is out of spite; "I won't let other people's hate silence me, I will go on, damn the consequences", etc.

Without thinking that anyone would like the tracks that I produce, or any other "positive" consequence resulting from producing this music.

And, over the years, doing this can lead to a very nihilist and self-destructive attitude, that spills over into other areas of life, and gets very problematic at times.

But, if some tracks were actually liked by some people... 

I wonder how that'd change my production and general attitude towards music.

But, I know what you'll say: "you're on a complete ego-trip here. talking about 'your music' and whether anyone 'likes it' it. who the fuck cares about this? Do you think you and your 'sound' are anything special? Eat shit and die!"

And yeah, you're probably right. In the end it would likely not change anything. But it's tempting to ponder about these things - even if pondering is pointless. And it's better not to get too lost in one's own thoughts, true.

But this is my little confession here. Of some of these own thoughts.